The city prayed for early showers at the onset of summer. Summer vacations were on and he was about to leave to the recreation hall for a music rehearsal which he was composing for a social event in the city. Before he started it drizzled, he smiled with a sigh, took out the plastic bag to cover his guitar, walked towards the recreational hall. He reached the hall and as he was removing the guitar from the plastic bag, he heard a sweet voice crooning a light Hindi film track. He looked up at the podium and happened to see a girl in her mid teens singing confidently. She looked very pretty, bubbly and full of grace to him. He, being in his late teen, for the very first time experienced a sweet musical illusion from within. The next moment unknowingly, he took a chair nearby, sat on it and just stared at the girl’s mannerism while she was rendering the song. He said to himself, is she the one?
After she completed her song, he stood up and intentionally clapped, just to get her attention. Everyone in the recreation hall looked at him, she also did. He got nervous, stopped that purposeful act and everyone ignored him including the girl. Other singers entered the podium to sing their songs and she left the podium to join his music group. He wanted his group singers to introduce this new singer whom he was completely bowled over. But not to his surprise, no one ever thought of introducing her to him. In sheer excitement, he took out the notation sheet from his pocket which had gone wet due to the drizzles. He opened the folds of the sheet, played the notes to the singers, especially the new singer. To his surprise, the other singers took the notation sheet and they moved to a side to rehearse in a group. Now he was standing alone next to this girl, she smiled and introduced her as a new singer. Even he did introduced with a shaky, shivering voice. He pulled a chair for her, they both seated, he holding the guitar and she singing her lines . He was playing wrong chords as he was completely lost in her voice. They both smiled at each other for the mistakes they made while rehearsing.
He not so social in his life, but having seen that girl he now started attending marriages, ceremonies, cultural events, hoping to get a glimpse of her. Whenever he got lucky, he used to stand a bit far from her and observe as to how she talks, reacts to, to listen to her voice, to look into her eyes. At times, even he received the silent admiration looks from her. When their eyes collided with each other, they would give a blushing smile and look elsewhere. He became hopeful that the vibes are very positive from the other side. So he slowly gathered information about this girl from social friend circles. He realized that the girl is known to his parents and her parents had met him sometime in the past. Also as he had already started analyzing the girl’s mannerisms the way she talks, she sings, her sarcasm and her spontaneity. He matched these qualities of her with his characteristics. He confirmed this girl as an ideal match for him. He was never as happy as ever in his life. Whenever he thinks about that girl, his heart skips a beat, stammers while talking and also starts blushing. He consciously started noticing such changes in him and he confirmed himself that he’s in serious love with that girl, surpassing the slightest doubt of infatuation.
They started talking with each other through their land phones (as mobiles were yet to hit Indian markets). He got her number from the custom telephone directory maintained by his parents. The topic of discussion was obviously music, but he used to intentionally distract the main topic to some trivial topics and the response from her used to have the same bubbly intensity and spontaneity. Before the end of every call, he used to think twice whether is this the right time to tell what he really feels for her. But every time he resisted and hoped the best time will come soon.
Years flew by, he was graduating in mathematics. She was doing her undergraduate, which was considered to be most decisive part in choosing one’s career according to Indian educational system. His interest in music grew exponentially since he met that girl. In these years, he had composed many soft romantic songs, keeping in mind that after her undergraduate exams she would sing for his album and that day will help blossom their love reach the peaks. He used to play his compositions to his few best friends. They loved his composition and they got suspicious that he has been transformed to a person they didn’t know. On several interrogations, he confessed to his friends that he is having a strong liking to a girl. His friends were thrilled but they understood the seriousness of his affair from his vocal tone and anxiety. They advised him to confess as soon as possible before someone else does it. The coming days he is in constant telephonic touch with this girl, hoping to reveal what feelings he carries for her. But he used to hold his feelings, thinking that it might distract her from studies. Still he was happy to hear the anxiety, the pauses in her voice when she talked over phone. It was only the positive vibes from the other end which made his life sail through, as he at times found his heart suffocating with feelings for her piling up.
The day arrived; she gave her entrance exam for a professional career. He realized this and decided that the time has come to express out. It was afternoon time; he was alone in his home. He was nervous, impatient, picked up the land phone and dialed her number. He could hear the ringing from other end. His heart beat ten times faster for every pulse of ring. The phone got answered, it was her. He started very carefully, just to make sure she was alone in her room or home. He got confirmed that she was alone in her home. The impatience in him made him jumped to the topic directly. He with his stammering voice conveyed his true feelings for her. This was followed by a complete silence. He could hear she breathing, he was sweating and he was holding on to a glass teapoy for extra support. Even the support was looking for another support as it was feeling the shivering shakes from him. She denied his proposal with a heavy breathe, he was stunned. He couldn’t say a word, again the same silence got build. He gathered his vocal cord and his voice chose an arrogant pitch. He raised his voice against her to not to reveal to his or her parents. She agreed to this request. He banged the phone down. He was lost; he didn’t know how to handle this situation. He never expected that she would deny agreeing with his feelings. His heart was paining, he wanted to cry loud but for a second he hoped let this be a dream, but it was hardcore reality. He didn’t know whether to cry or to sigh. No emotion was running plain through his heart, it was mixed, perplexed.
For the past few months, he had gone down emotionally. But socially he behaved normal, he didn’t give a hint to his family or anyone about such an incident happened with him. Because of that incident not only he flunked in his graduation exams but also lost serious interest in music. If he sits to compose or play some music, her audio visuals would run like nostalgia in his mind and this indeed was deep nostalgic. So there was no music from then. Still he managed to complete his graduation, luckily got a job far away from the girl’s town. He was trying to be busy so that he would be able to forget her. He was intentionally meeting new people in his office, spending time with them.
A year passed by, his office work was getting routine to him. He was getting worried over the fact that, some female friends of his were trying to get maximum attention from him. But whenever he was with them, he used to compare these girls with the girl he met earlier, the girl who gave him hope and the girl who simply broke his heart. The comparisons were detailed and he gets disappointed over the fact that the girls were nowhere near to his past love. Later ,his team planned for a musical show and somehow they realized that he was a good musician. His manager forced him to participate. He started fresh attempt with music. During weekends he was immersed in music, he was in love again with the girl who he met on a drizzling summer. He composed a beautiful song for his team and he still hope to get in touch with her again. He thought this time, he will try to email her and beg for friendship rather calling her. He searched for her email address from his account. He composed a mail, expressed his regret, also begged for a friendship. He sent the mail, was hoping he would get a reply the same day. He didn’t. He was still hopeful that this time she would understand her true feelings. The next day, he checked his email account, received an email from her. With shivering hands on the mouse and a pumping heart, he opened the email. The mail was very precise indicating him that she did not want to make any friendship with him. Also conveyed directly to get matured to understand the situation and if he cannot forget her then it’s his problem and he has to deal with it. He was shocked again. He was sweating in the air conditioned room, he got arrogant as to what crime has he done to her. He was broken. He had a mental breakdown. He had to resign from his job. He returned back to his parents.
Its couple of years now, he became asocial these years. His parents and friends were very suspicious about his mannerisms. They asked him many times but in vain. He was idle and was still in pain emotionally. His friends got his mind diverted to music, they helped him form a small local music group. He started playing contemporary Hindi film tracks without any heart of his in it. His music was getting mechanical, but his friends were hopeful that one day he will embrace music. That day arrived soon; he started composing music for small ad agencies. He started interacting with new people, new singers and new musicians. He wanted to sell his music and become famous. He planned to create a separate studio for recordings. While creating a small studio in his place, he started cleaning his room. It is then he found the same music notation sheet which he composed for his past love in his college days. The sheet was turned brown and rusty on edges. He looked into the sheet, tried some lines on his synthesizer. He closed his eyes, imagined she singing those lines, tears falling from his eyes, abruptly stopped playing as he was not able to play ahead. He kept the notation sheet with his new ones.
He was busy with his studio work and few ad jingles. This was the time he met his lost love’s friend who came for a recording. He indirectly inquired about her, the friend answered that she is still single. He didn’t react to this and carried on with his recording. But deep inside, he was happy to know that she is still waiting for someone. The next day, he thought of calling her for a song recording. He got the number from the same friend. He called her, she answered the call. He asked him whether she would be interested to sing for an ad with him. She didn’t hesitate for a second, she agreed. He got ecstatic, he got his life back. He planned the schedule for her recording on priority. From then, he was in constant touch with her through mobile phone. She used to answer his call, if not she used to call him to know about the plan for recording. He got the same positive vibes that he used to feel a decade back. The day arrived, she came to his studio. They had an eye-contact, she wasn’t embarrassed at all. She calmly sat with him. He explained his notes, she sang comfortably. He was happy to see her with him; he got hopeful for the fact that his individual album is very much possible. He observed that she hasn’t changed much; she carried the same liveliness in her, the same sarcasm, the same smile, the same mischievous looks and the same voice. He was bowled again. He was traversed back to the same podium when he saw her for the first time.
He canceled few ad projects and was engrossed with his album compositions . He was in love with music again. He composed day in day out. He was planning to meet her individually to explain his new album. They planned for months but it didn’t happen because of their busy schedules. Once everything was planned, but she denied meeting at some local place, he was hurt to know that. He thought that she was giving a feel to him that he would rape her anytime, anywhere. He got bizarre and decided not to plan this album with her as he had no place left in his heart to get hurt more. He withdraws his plan to make his music album and started working on ad jingles. He left to his native town for a week. When he returned he happened to see her email inquiring the status about the music album. He was hopeful that she would inquire and that’s what happened. He replied that whenever she finds time they can meet up. She sent him SMS after two days of meeting at a place, he was busy but still he thought she was more important than anything. He wrapped the meeting quickly and called her on her mobile to confirm about their meet which was due in ten minutes. She answered, there were many noises heard along with her noise. Her mother inquired with whom she was talking, she replied it was he. She told him that some guests are coming today, so she cannot meet him. He got hurt again, he was getting used to it now and he also got a faint clue about the guest who would be visiting at her place. He still replied calmly and before the call was hanged she said she would call him soon.
He waited for her call for a week, still no communication from her. He was practicing the compositions for his music album. His mother turned to his studio and informed that the girl, whom he loved, is getting married to someone. He was devastated, but he could not show the real emotions on his face to his mother. Rather he kept a plain face with no emotions, as if he was least interested to know about her. His mother left, he lost his mind, and he didn’t know what to do. He looked at the same musical notations, he tried to play on his synthesizer but he was not able to. The musical notation seemed silent to him. He tore that musical notation into pieces looked outside his studio window. He had many questions running on his mind, why she came back to his life again. Why she gave him hope to re-live again, was she an opportunistic, looking for opportunity from him. Realizing that his music will help her gain fame or was she playing with his mind, molding according to her moods. He questioned again and again with no response or rather clarification. He repelled himself from music, he was alone, broken.
It is summer now, the same city is praying for early showers. But he isn't as his heart is pouring pain. He has no other choice than to move ahead in his life, as suicide will only generate pain to his loved ones, as he learnt that he needs to love those, who care him a lot. Though he didn’t feel the same love for music, as he was in serious doubt whether it was the girl or the music which gave him so much pain. His intellect replied to this one which was opposite to that of his heart.
